Subject brought back. Ambient thoughts. Lights dimmed. Dimmer. Dimmer still. Grasping at pieces. Scraps, things that were once, and once were; could have beens. Nothingmores. Pulverized. Again and again. It tastes like salt, and fat. Carrying loads of spoons - clenched in the left. Completely stain the serene, with the embellished gloss of bloody plasticine. Close your eyes, and kill for me. I never put you away, and now I'm falling apart. All these voices are someone else’s, and its alright to be sickened. But, keep one hand on the gun, the other one in mine. Let’s kill the man behind the curtain. Inhale. Inhale. Float. It tastes like salt, and fat. Palatable. An agonizing wave from the adrenal glands; warm rushes to the ears. So just listen. Previous words have slipped from me, like a vulture carried them away in its claws. The feelings escape me. All you need is an ear, so just listen. Just feel. Something.
Graze the coarser blades
A folly only few know all too well
What can and will be decided
If only we were able to see them
Or feel them
Or maybe even be them
Raze the former places
That we once called our homes
Cinders piled high and hungry
If only we were able to quell them
Or join them
Or maybe even feed them
Unrequited dreams
Of laughter and screams
Of slaughter, and it careens
Off the mirror's reflection
In no certain direction
And we wait in silence
In solitude, in violence
And we wait - we wait
To be able to breathe
Or swallow
Or maybe even gasp
Poisoning the lives
Of all the neverminds
We dig and search inside
For something we can't find
It's how the story goes
But no one ever knows
The grit and hate that shows
I hope you'll be forgotten
I cannot reach the hate
Behind this iron gate
The leaves all dead and rotten
I hope you'll be forgotten
Break the bones inside your hands
To belong to a select few
Ill begotten
Alone in filth we stand
Amongst the withered damned
Corpses of the flowers that will never be Allowed to flourish, stop them
I hope you'll be forgotten
"If home is where the heart is, then why do I feel so fucking heartless?"
Mother Mercy, take my hand
The time has come for all to see
The spire burns, make no amends
We're all that's left, but not as friends
Block the way, there's nowhere left to go
A 'nothingmore' seeps from lips so dead
Dragged away and down so low, don't give in to the vertigo
Something more, something less and prices paid
The pain of blame, relayed
So now we stand, stalwart, steadfast and at the end
A fleeting glimpse of once a friend
A soul. A spirit. Energy. Whatever you choose to call it - I never knew it could feel sorrow. Pain. Remorse.
I killed myself yesterday, and instantly regretted it. As it flashed, I thought of my son. I thought of how he would be left alone, with an alcoholic mother and an abusive half-sister. The misery he would have to face, growing up without his father. How he would probably turn out just like I did, finding solace in substance abuse. Clutching to the first person to pay him any sort of attention, and the loneliness that would ensue.
I asked for another chance. A chance to make it right; to raise my son in an environment that would be be